Jerkasses of the NYC Subway System
1. Subway trains
Yeah, I'm blaming the trains themselves. I don't care if they're inanimate objects, they suck. They never arrive on any kind of "time." They just come when they want, which is when there's a large crowd waiting so I'm guaranteed not to have a seat. Or you know, they don't come at all. This usually happens when it's late at night and I'm standing alone on the platform, totally at risk for rape or something.
2. Old People
I'm sorry, but old people need to get off of public transportation. I don't care what amazing stories of the Great War they have, they're in my way. Either they stand up on the train, not holding onto anything so that they sway and stumble until some charitable person gives them a seat, or they demand a seat from you on the basis they they are old and you are young. This flawless logic leads them to believe that us blasted whippersnappers have the fortitude to stand up, even though our feet hurt just as bad, if not worse, because we actually do things during the day instead of spending hours at the supermarket buying one avocado in pennies. Jerks.
3. People who Read
I like books too, but it is really necessary to read on the train? Especially when you don't have a seat? I've seen people risk bodily serious harm because they'd rather finish up a romance novel(in Spanish of course) than hold onto something. I like reading too, but I like having non-broken bones more. Can't you wait for your lunch break? Is the sports section so damn compelling? What makes this super annoying is that all these readers stand right next to me. One guy even stood right behind me and kept hitting me on the back of the head with his goddamn book. And no hint of an apology. Ass.
3.5 People Who Read the New York Times
These douchebags get their own spot on the list. The Times is the worse paper ever to read in public. It's like ten feet wide and full of pretention and badly placed articles. Often, its readers will try to fold it in half as they read, though the paper still takes up its own seat. Then there are the supreme douches that hold it open, unleashing its full goddamn wingspan, while standing up. They can't hold onto anything of course, but when they stumble, and they do, they look at you like it's your fault they fell on you. I hate these people. I really do.
4. CUNY Students
For you non-native New Yorkers, CUNY stands for City University of New York, so my gripe here is with college students. Individually they're not so bad, I know a lot real cool CUNY kids. But once my train reaches Lexington Ave, the rage takes over. These kids, with their messenger bags and unlimited metrocards and their inability to shut up about their "college stuff" crowd the train like crazy. At certain hours of the day, you cannot take the 6 train for fear of them. And they seem to think I'm one of them, because I'm young and have a messenger bag, so they like to look at me with disdain because I don't look cool enough for them or something.
5. Chicks with Big Asses who Know it
Some chicks are real determined to sit down, even if the space available is too damn small for their gigantic asses. Is something wrong with your eyes, lady? Can you not judge surface area correctly? Or do you not know how fat you are? Trying to squeeze a full size adult ass into a six inch space in uncomfortable for all parties. One lady I saw had the nerve not only to sit in a space to small for her, but ask everyone sitting to move down so she could have more room. The room she got was actually my seat. Bitch.
6. Un-chivalrous Men.
Dude, give me your seat. Seriously. I'm a cute young lady too short to reach the handrail thing. Get your ass up.
7. People Who Awkwardly Hold the Pole.
If you can't hold onto a certain pole in a natural position, don't hold it. If you need to need to play a difficult round of Twister to reach this thing, then find another one. Grabbing the thing underhanded with your back turned over someone's head will not support you and you will only fall onto me or wind up hitting me in the face(again!)
8. Smelly People
These people make #7 even worse. Sharing personal space underground in a speeding metal box is not cool. And I'm not talking about homeless people, they're not jerks. I'm talking about the ones who bathe in perfume/cologne or smell like food or just general uncleanliness. Please, be considerate of your fellow passengers. Bathe.
9. "Cool" People Who Lean Against the Doors
I put the cool in quotes cuz these jerkoffs are not cool. They never move. They just stand there when you're trying to get on or trying to get off at your stop. Move asshole! And sometimes, the door is the only visible window, so you need to see it so you know where the hell you are. But no, these jerks block my view so I almost miss my stop. I guess it's my fault for not memorizing every single stop ever. The only good thing about them is that they think they look all "gangster" leaning against the doors and then fall when they open. Hahaha. Losers.
10. Panhandlers.
These jerks come in all shapes and sizes. Living statues, kids wanting you to buy their overpriced candy, the guy selling batteries, and losers playing the clarinet. They all have one thing in common: I'm not giving them my fucking money. it's mine and you're not gonna guilt me or impress me into giving it to you. I don't like working either but you don't see me break dancin' for spare change. If you're that talented, why can't you parlay that into a real job? Beware tourists, don't get tricked. Most of those guys actually have days jobs, they just like to dirty themselves up and scam you out of your tourist money. Except the midget in Times Square who dances to Michael Jackson. He's cool. Give him a dollar or something, you can spare it. Stingy bastards.
This concludes the list. Sorry, but I just needed to get that off my chest. Make sure to watch out for these jerkoffs and when you see them, give 'em a big punch in the face for me.
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