Jerkassess of the Holiday season: '08 Edition

Hey everyone. I've decided to continue my smash Jerkasses series. Why? Because there are just so many of them especially now that it's the holiday season. Let's have a quick rundown, shall we?

Jerkasses of the Holiday Season:
2008 Edition

1. Black Friday Shoppers
Black Friday is the day after Thanksgiving and, as the official start to the Christmas season, the biggest shopping day of the year. But for the morning mob that descended on my local Valley stream Wal-Mart, it was the day to trample a Wal-Mart worker to actual death. Saving $50 bucks on that new plasma screen was totally worth killing that guy and injuring a pregnant lady. Merry Christmas murderers.

2. People who shop for Christmas presents-- with their kids!
Yeah, this is just dumb. How are the presents supposed to be a surprise when the kids are right their supervising the purchase. I know you wanna get your kids what they want but have them rwrite a list or something. At this rate you mifght as well give them money so they can get it themselves. And another thing, you know the malls are crowded. So why are you making it worse with strollers and toddlers who can't walk?! Leave the baggae at home!

3. Video Game Challenged Parents.
This is closely related to #2. The games stores this season were filled with middle aged people who don't know thew difference between a Nintendo DS and an XBOX 360 or the games that go with it. One lady seriosuly asked which game was the new one, NBA2K8 or 2K9. Like, you don't even need to know about games to figure that one out (which is the newer year, dummy?) Technology is moving at a fast pace, but please try to keep up. And if you can't, get the hell outta the line so I can pay for Cooking Mama!

4. Gamestop
They marked up so many of their used games to dupe exasperated parents. They are jerks.

5. Public transportation
Don't pretend you don't know it's cold. Don't act like you don't know I have a lot of holiday crap to carry. Why the hell do we have bus schedules if the damn buses never come on time? You bastards, this stuff is heavy...

6. "Happy Holidays"
The correct pronunciation is "Merry Christmas" okay? If you know someone Jewish you say "Happy Hannukah" and if you know someone who celebrates Kwanzaa, you're a liar (see #7). Otherwise say Christmas okay? Man, I thought President Bush made this country all Christian again.

7. Kwanzaa
Yeah, I said it and I don't care. Kwanzaa is a jerk. Why? Because everyone thinks I celebrate it because I'm black. I've been on this earth for almost 24 years and have yet to meet a single person who celebrates Kwanzaa. Is it even a real holiday?

8. People who advertise Christmas trees for sale on the roadside.
What a shady operation that is. Do people really buy them? It seems like a trap to me.

9. Holiday TV
Does anyone watch A Christmas Story? That shit comes on for 24 hours every Christmas and I will never watch it. Every damn channel starts marathons of crap nmo one wanted to watch in the first place. Don't they understand thet everyone's stuck home on the holidays without work or school to go to? They should put actual good shows on so I can waste my time and kill my brains cells in a more productive manner. I mean the Yule Log? Why would I want to see a log burning? To bring back fond memories of the chimney no one has in their homes anymore? So dumb.

Aww. I was going for a top ten. See how jerky the holidays are? They even screw up your lists

Jerkassess of the NYC Subway System

Yeah, I know it's been awhile, and I know this isn't like game related at all, but I said I was gonna talk about cultural stuff, and this is one thing that seriously ticks me off. You see, I have to use the subway a lot more than I used to because of work and now I understand my people suddenly snap. The morning commute alone is enough to make you crazy, especially the jerks on the train. Allow me to offer a list of all the people that make my commute a hell. Tasty Chaos proudly presents:

Jerkasses of the NYC Subway System

1. Subway trains
Yeah, I'm blaming the trains themselves. I don't care if they're inanimate objects, they suck. They never arrive on any kind of "time." They just come when they want, which is when there's a large crowd waiting so I'm guaranteed not to have a seat. Or you know, they don't come at all. This usually happens when it's late at night and I'm standing alone on the platform, totally at risk for rape or something.


2. Old People
I'm sorry, but old people need to get off of public transportation. I don't care what amazing stories of the Great War they have, they're in my way. Either they stand up on the train, not holding onto anything so that they sway and stumble until some charitable person gives them a seat, or they demand a seat from you on the basis they they are old and you are young. This flawless logic leads them to believe that us blasted whippersnappers have the fortitude to stand up, even though our feet hurt just as bad, if not worse, because we actually do things during the day instead of spending hours at the supermarket buying one avocado in pennies. Jerks.



3. People who Read
I like books too, but it is really necessary to read on the train? Especially when you don't have a seat? I've seen people risk bodily serious harm because they'd rather finish up a romance novel(in Spanish of course) than hold onto something. I like reading too, but I like having non-broken bones more. Can't you wait for your lunch break? Is the sports section so damn compelling? What makes this super annoying is that all these readers stand right next to me. One guy even stood right behind me and kept hitting me on the back of the head with his goddamn book. And no hint of an apology. Ass.



3.5 People Who Read the New York Times
These douchebags get their own spot on the list. The Times is the worse paper ever to read in public. It's like ten feet wide and full of pretention and badly placed articles. Often, its readers will try to fold it in half as they read, though the paper still takes up its own seat. Then there are the supreme douches that hold it open, unleashing its full goddamn wingspan, while standing up. They can't hold onto anything of course, but when they stumble, and they do, they look at you like it's your fault they fell on you. I hate these people. I really do.




4. CUNY Students
For you non-native New Yorkers, CUNY stands for City University of New York, so my gripe here is with college students. Individually they're not so bad, I know a lot real cool CUNY kids. But once my train reaches Lexington Ave, the rage takes over. These kids, with their messenger bags and unlimited metrocards and their inability to shut up about their "college stuff" crowd the train like crazy. At certain hours of the day, you cannot take the 6 train for fear of them. And they seem to think I'm one of them, because I'm young and have a messenger bag, so they like to look at me with disdain because I don't look cool enough for them or something.


5. Chicks with Big Asses who Know it
Some chicks are real determined to sit down, even if the space available is too damn small for their gigantic asses. Is something wrong with your eyes, lady? Can you not judge surface area correctly? Or do you not know how fat you are? Trying to squeeze a full size adult ass into a six inch space in uncomfortable for all parties. One lady I saw had the nerve not only to sit in a space to small for her, but ask everyone sitting to move down so she could have more room. The room she got was actually my seat. Bitch.


6. Un-chivalrous Men.
Dude, give me your seat. Seriously. I'm a cute young lady too short to reach the handrail thing. Get your ass up.


7. People Who Awkwardly Hold the Pole.
If you can't hold onto a certain pole in a natural position, don't hold it. If you need to need to play a difficult round of Twister to reach this thing, then find another one. Grabbing the thing underhanded with your back turned over someone's head will not support you and you will only fall onto me or wind up hitting me in the face(again!)


8. Smelly People
These people make #7 even worse. Sharing personal space underground in a speeding metal box is not cool. And I'm not talking about homeless people, they're not jerks. I'm talking about the ones who bathe in perfume/cologne or smell like food or just general uncleanliness. Please, be considerate of your fellow passengers. Bathe.


9. "Cool" People Who Lean Against the Doors
I put the cool in quotes cuz these jerkoffs are not cool. They never move. They just stand there when you're trying to get on or trying to get off at your stop. Move asshole! And sometimes, the door is the only visible window, so you need to see it so you know where the hell you are. But no, these jerks block my view so I almost miss my stop. I guess it's my fault for not memorizing every single stop ever. The only good thing about them is that they think they look all "gangster" leaning against the doors and then fall when they open. Hahaha. Losers.


10. Panhandlers.
These jerks come in all shapes and sizes. Living statues, kids wanting you to buy their overpriced candy, the guy selling batteries, and losers playing the clarinet. They all have one thing in common: I'm not giving them my fucking money. it's mine and you're not gonna guilt me or impress me into giving it to you. I don't like working either but you don't see me break dancin' for spare change. If you're that talented, why can't you parlay that into a real job? Beware tourists, don't get tricked. Most of those guys actually have days jobs, they just like to dirty themselves up and scam you out of your tourist money. Except the midget in Times Square who dances to Michael Jackson. He's cool. Give him a dollar or something, you can spare it. Stingy bastards.


This concludes the list. Sorry, but I just needed to get that off my chest. Make sure to watch out for these jerkoffs and when you see them, give 'em a big punch in the face for me.