Adaption Adventures or How Could Hollywood Ruin this I: Street Fighter

It was recently announced that Capcom has finally started on the fourth installment of the landmark Street Fighter series after more than a decade. Needless to say, I'm super special awesomely excited about this. Street Fighter is my favorite series ever ever ever and I'm glad that it's coming back to reclaim its throne from the likes of DOA (another series i like, but still...). With the new game, the successful comic and a new movie announced it seems SF may return to the mainstream appeal it had in the early '90s. To celebrate, I thought I'd take a look at one of the darkest chapters of Sf history: the live action movie. This was one of the biggest game adaption disappointments since Super Mario bros., at least for hardcore fans. but enough stalling, on with my (very long) review.

Street Fighter: The Movie: The Review

It says "Street Fighter" but I have no idea who these people are supposed to be

And why are they posing?

Plot( What happens in the movie) :

The 'film' opens with international news reporters giving us the situation in Shadaloo, a fictional Southeast Asian country and its near-conquest by Gen. M. Bison(the late Raul Julia). The main conflict is quickly established. Bison and his red-clad army of Bison troopers have captured 63 AN (Allied Nation) relief workers and a few soldiers and will execute them in 72 hours if he doesn't receive $20 billion in ransom. It's up to Colonel William F. Guile's (Jean Claude van Damme) blue AN force to rescue the hostages and stop the madman. The stakes are even more personal for Guile as his bff Carlos 'Charlie' Blanka is among the soldiers captured. We meet Bison's key subordinates the Russian Zangief and the Jamaican computer expert Dee Jay, as well as Guile's lieutenants Cammy and T.Hawk. In between the televised scuffle is GNT correspondent Chun-Li Zang(Ming Na), her cameraman/boxer Balrog and Hawaiian sumo/computer guy 2 E. Honda. If you're a fan you can see what's horribly wrong with what I've just described.

The scene then switches to the B story. Nice-at-heart con men Ken Masters and Ryu Hoshi are captured by Viktor Sagat(Wes Studi in a thankless role), an arms dealer who controls Shadaloo City and has ties to Bison. he wants to but the hapless con men in a cage match with his champion Vega. Before Ryu vs. Vega can take place, they are all arrested by Guile and his tank looking thing. Since Ken & Ryu aren't such bad guys, they are convinced by Guile (after a nice guilt trip) into joining in the fight against Bison. They stage a prison break and fake the shooting death of Guile, putting them in Sagat's good graces which will in turn lead them (and their homing device) to Bison's HQ. A suspicious Chun-Li dons black ninja gear while the sun's still out and learns of Guile's plan, revealing to him her own vengeance quest("I don't want a story on Bison. I want his HEAD!)

Despite being the games' main characters, Ken and Ryu get beat up by everyone.

She doesn't feel like being arrested for sneaking into the AN HQ, so she escapes, reconvening with her crew at Bison and Sagat's party full of rhythmless dancing girls. her master plan is to blow them up with a truck full of explosives, which she warns them is coming via video message, prompting the greatest line in the movie, Zangief's "Quick! Change the channel!!" At least somebody's thinking. Chun-Li's dumb plan, unsurprisingly, fails (next time, don't give them a head start!) and she and her news crew are captured again while Ken & Ryu who also warned the baddies of Chun-Li's dumb plan, are taken back to HQ as guests.

Back at AN HQ Guile is about to lead his rainbow coalition of soldiers to battle when an official informs him of the AN's decision to give in to the ransom demands and relieves him of command. Guile responds by taking the troops anyway(I smell court martial!) but not before delivering an impassion speech totally hampered by Van Damme's inability to speak English. Then he climbs into the AN XRB-1 stealth boat with his whole name emblazoned on the side (when you're trying to be sneaky, the best thing to have is a boat with your name on it!) Screw the rules, it's time to kick ass and reminisce about your friend while watch home movies in a stealth boat (shouldn't you be a little more focused on your mission Guile?)

Chun-Li, welcome to the Love-nasium!

As we head back to Bison HQ, we reach the part of the movie where everyone has to get into their video game-esque attire. Chun-Li gets a red (instead of blue!!) qipao from Bison when he tries to sex her up (he got a flying kick for his trouble). Ken & Ryu's gi are also provided by Bison (it's the training gi of his troopers). Guile's lost friend Charlie is turned into the green-skinned orange-haired Blanka by Bison's twisted science. Dhalsim, the scientist responsible is knocked into chemicals that make him bald (and stretchy?). When Guile and co. finally reach Bison HQ (getting the stealth named boat sploded by Bison's SF II arcade controls in the process) Cammy's got her hair in long pigtails and T.Hawk's got on a Cherokee headband (even though he's from the Thunderfoot tribe and not a Cherokee) Balrog, Honda, Vega, and Zangief just kinda wind up in their outfits.

Whew! Almost done! The AN force breaches Bison's Thai castle/base. Guile confronts his mutated friend but is guilted into not killing him and goes on to confront Bison upstairs when the dictator calls on Blanka to eat the hostages, ransom demands not met. Guile gives Bison an unrealistoc even by m,ovie standards flying kick and fights break out everywhere, the movie remembering it's based on a fighting game. In addition to game-esque duds, the fighters do lame versions of their game special moves. Cammy does an un-thrusting Thrust Kick/Cannon Spike and performs her Frankensteiner throw from the wrong direction. Honda Hundred Hand slaps Zangief. Ken stops trying to steal long enough to help his hetero (?) life mate Ryu by giving Sagat a lameass uppercut that I guess was to be a Shoryuken. Vega fares a little better, doing two Rolling Crystal Flashes before Ryu gives him a flash of light (was that a Hadouken? Really?) and a fake ass Tatsumaki Senpuu Kyaku/ Hurricane Kick. Balrog punches a guy with the laziest wind-up ever and Chun-Li, despite claiming to have studied the martial arts of three continents doesn't fight anymore.

Is this a shoryuken? Where's Ken's trademark flames?

Final Battle!!! While the 'street fighters' evacuate the hostages, it's go time for Time Cop and Gomez Addams. Belgian Guile shows off his Americ tats 'cause he's so American (njust listen to his voice!) and puts the hurt on Bison, doing two Flash Kicks in a row (impossible really, considering the charge time). Bison's cool suit brings him back to life and he returns to the fight armed with superconductor electromagnetism (wha?) instead of the much cooler and easier to say Psycho Power. His cool glow shoes let him Psycho Crusher guile all over the place until he gets kicked (three times?) into the wall of TVs, presumably sploding him to death.

Bison HQ is about to blow!!! With Zangief's help the 'street fighters' escape with the hostages. Sagat makes Dee Jay his new bitch (who wouldn't? it's easy) as they steal a chest which turns out to be full of worthless Bison dollars (though the exchange rate will be five British pounds once Bison kidnaps the Queen) Blanka and Dhalsim refuse Guile's help so he leaves them to die and escapes. The battle won, the good guys regroup, Guile sexually harasses Chun-Li to everyone's amusement and they all give their win poses from the game for no reason! Go team! The credits rool to reveal Bison's still alive. Insert 1 credit(s) to continue!


Adaption (In what ways the movie was wrong) :

How was it right? Van Damme playing an American, an American that was more important than Ryu and Ken. They are Street Fighter. Everyone, even people who hate those characters, know that. All you have to do is look at the game to know that! And it's funny that a movie called street Fighter, whose own 'making of' documentary claims to have street fighters, includes ZERO street fighting or street fighters! I saw a news reporter and a colonel and an arms dealer but no street fighters. Instead of a man's journey toward martial arts perfection, interspersed with Interpol's attempt to take down a terrorist organization, we get a Red vs. Blue version of Desert Storm! Who wants that when you can have the shotos wail on people mercilessly? The animated movie, which came out around the same time, has better balance between the characters and the story lines. Pkease, watch that instead.

Fan Appreciation (any in-jokes or easter eggs from source material:

Very little. Besides Bison's arcade controller and Guile and Bison's SFII win quotes. They really didn't care about the fans here.

Legacy (How the movie affected the franchise, if any) :

Street Fighter: The Movie: The Game. The less said about that the better for us all.

Rating (for non-fans) : 3 out of 5 stars

Rating (for fans) : 2 Dan Gadouken's out of 5 (yes, it's that bad)

Super Kawaii my ass...

I really didn't want to have to discuss Gwen Stefani. She's a celebrity and celebrities are stupid. Her new solo...thing is tacky and proves her lack of talent. But we all know this and more important people that me have said it, and better (check out the article by MiHi Ahn). But I decided to speak out now, about 3 years too late because the former No Doubt rock-tart (it's like pop-tart but with rock instead. get it?) has become more annoying lately. It's kind of hard to believe that she'd get on my nerves now, since I've been listening to her annoying little girl voice warble since the Don't Speak days, but with the new HP ads (how the hell do you have paper dolls on a computer? they'd be digital or something right? computers aren't made of paper!) and the fucking doll line she has now, that I just discovered at Claire's to my disgust, I had to do something.

You see, I really used to like Gwen. I liked No Doubt. Their songs were catchy and she was their athletically cute frontwoman. But when she decided to go solo, I was really doubtful. Mostly because it seemed like a jerkish move. How long had they been a band together? Like 30 years? And of course, she took all the fame with her (name someone else in No Doubt, I dare you.) it's a shame the band had all the talent. Her solo debut is so over-produced it's ridiculous. Do you really need help to write every song on the album Gwen? The introduction of the "Harajuku Girls" is the worst fucking part of the whole thing. I put it in quotes because they are in no way Harajuku. One of the princples of Tokyo Street Fashion is something punks are familiar with: DIY or for dummies, do it yourself. The coolness of the style comes from the individuality. That's why all the kids go to the bridge at Harajuku Station to show off their cool shit. Now answer me this: How the hell can these 4 mimes show off their individuality when Gwen dresses them!?

Gwen Stefani and her slave entourage

I could kinda understand the need for these chicks if they were backup singers, but no, they're just dancers. Their job is to dance around Gwen and make her feel cool and powerful since she owns them. They don't sing, they don't talk, they do nothing but serve Mistress Stefani. I wonder if she even pays them. They are included in the doll line, under the names Gwen bestowed upon them (Love, Angel, Music, and Baby-- the name of her stupid album and her clothing line L.A.M.B) but even then they're marginalized. They're the cheapest of the collection, $10 as opposed to the $16 for the various Gwens. This is the description for one doll, Love, on the Target website : "Love is one of the edgy, fashion-forward Japanese Harajuku Girls that live within Gwen's world." Wow. She lives in Gwen's world? Damn, she doesn't get to exist by herself. Poor Japanese girl that was probably born in America and speaks perfect English. To make matters worse, among the "features" for the doll is a "super kawaii school uniform"

Somehow worse than Bratz...

Wow again. "Super kawaii" First of all, I don't think Gwen knows what that means. secondly, if she did or even if she didn't, only 12 year old fangirls talk like that. Makes sense, cuz those are the only people stupid enough to buy her stuff. So not only is she a racist and a bad singer, she's a fucking otaku and we here at tasty chaos do not condone otaku-try of any kind anywhere.

I don't know what worse, a 36 year old wife and mother cosplaying with slaves or a 36 year old wife and mother really believing she's down with the new style. Either way it sucks. Just like with Avril Lavigne and neckties, everyone's gonna think the real fans and devotees of Japanese fashion are just following a trend. Thanks for ruining an entire cultural fashion, gaijin.

I've invaded Blogger. A rather succesful campaign

Another blog thingie, just what I needed! Work has made my wrists sound like a cement mixer, so I won't be writing much. But stay tuned!